The Heartache of Feeling Peace

As a lifelong sufferer of severe depression and anxiety, joy is a rare and precious thing, happy moments so few and far between. Last week I was able to scrape together a few dollars to drive about 6 hours south to one of my favorite places: Summer Lake Hot Springs. It’s a little place not far from the tiny town of Paisley, along one of the popular routes to Burning Man. I’ve always loved it there, there’s something magical and soothing about that place, and the couple of days i stayed there were the most calm, the closest to happiness, that I have felt in so very long.

Who doesn’t love waking up to horses calmly mowing the grass

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The remains of a meditation maze that a friend of mine built several years ago. it’s still lovely as it’s slowly reclaimed by the desert scrub

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The view from inside the Barn. it’s a lovely, creaky old structure with sofas and art, a calm place to rest in the shade, or catch some sleep if you’re a traveler without a tent to shelter in

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Inside the Barn

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I’ve always been a sucker for rusty old farm equipment

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I’d made a white gown that I had planned to wear at Burning Man, but since I wasn’t able to go, I brought it to Summer Lake with me. I don’t have many photos that show me feeling at ease, at peace, alive and beautiful, but this is one of them.

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And a rainbow to send me off as I reluctantly made my way home

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Coming back to my house in Washington was so very hard. To leave one of the few places where I feel free from my demons, just to return to a place that is so full of them I can barely breathe. The bad times help you appreciate how wonderful the good times are, but it feels like the good is so brief, and the bad is so endless.

When I finally came home I had a breakdown, a bad one. It almost got to the point where I needed to be hospitalized, but a few friends sprang into action after I made a frantic plea on social media and one of them called my therapist, since I literally wasn’t capable, and he called me and talked me down just enough for me to regain a grip. It’s funny, and sad, how sometimes all we need is one person, just one, to go a little way out of their way to let us know that we are cared about. Just one. And it’s even more sad to know that there are people who don’t even have one. That’s not how it should be. Ever.

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3 comments on “The Heartache of Feeling Peace

  1. rangewriter says:

    It is indeed sad to ponder that some people don’t even have that one person in their corner. And then there are the people who would love to go out of their way, but they are simply unaware that they are needed or what they could offer. As I read your post, I also felt sad that all too often people who battle illnesses like your own, are also the people who live at or below the poverty line. Why is this so? Because all too often those are the people who can’t keep treading water in traditional jobs where the pay is good and the benefits plentiful but the stress is unbearable. It just shouldn’t be that way.

    I love your photos. My favorites, the one of YOU, that is amazing, and the one of the farm machinery—your perspective is awesome. And of course, I’m a sucker for horses and I could just hear them munching.

    I hope you continue to feel better. May the next crash….just not happen!

  2. Great photos and as always you provide insight for me as my best friend struggles with depression and anxiety. Thank you for your blog. May you find a path to a place where peace and happiness reign.

  3. Mark Hahn says:

    I don’t know what to say… other than I understand. Best wishes.

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